So much for ditching this thing. 2 days and I'm back again. Whoop-di-doo.

So why am I back here when I want to ditch this thing? 'Cause deep down, I don't want to. It's a really convenient journal... well, I usually write journals when I'm feeling particularly emotional, and there's always a computer/laptop around me.

Reading Jessica made me sad, I guess. It's a bit too sad to read for leisure sometimes. It's like a few steps away from My Girl. It's just I'm too much of a dreamer, romantic, and I wish Jessica got a lot more. Knowing that it was based on a true story makes it even more sad. She loved so passionately and unyieldingly, and even though her mother and sister gave her hell, she did what she thought was best and kept the father's identity a secret... for love... To be quite honest, there are very few people who can really do that.
Much as I like to dream, my view of the world has always remained cynical, judgmental. Yeah, I dream of falling in love, being a good person, being happy, that there's always a good side to everybody... at the end of the day, deep down, I know there are people I get annoyed with, people that I dislike, or even hated. Then I'd scold myself for being mean. I often wondered why I do that. It's like I hate myself or something. And yet, I like it sometimes when people tells me I'm mean. How screwed up can I get?
Then there's the fact that I can't seem to get any further past myself... It's always me first, especially these past couple years. I seem to pay less attention to other people, and I'm definitely forgetting my manners. I hardly say good morning anymore, forgetting people's birthdays left and right... little things like that mean something to me. It's like the perfectionist in me is dying or something. Maybe I've given up on trying to be perfect, and I'm trying to deny it. Anyhow, it's not the way I want it... *sigh* it's going to be a looooooong road...