So much for ditching this thing. 2 days and I'm back again. Whoop-di-doo.

So why am I back here when I want to ditch this thing? 'Cause deep down, I don't want to. It's a really convenient journal... well, I usually write journals when I'm feeling particularly emotional, and there's always a computer/laptop around me.

Reading Jessica made me sad, I guess. It's a bit too sad to read for leisure sometimes. It's like a few steps away from My Girl. It's just I'm too much of a dreamer, romantic, and I wish Jessica got a lot more. Knowing that it was based on a true story makes it even more sad. She loved so passionately and unyieldingly, and even though her mother and sister gave her hell, she did what she thought was best and kept the father's identity a secret... for love... To be quite honest, there are very few people who can really do that.
Much as I like to dream, my view of the world has always remained cynical, judgmental. Yeah, I dream of falling in love, being a good person, being happy, that there's always a good side to everybody... at the end of the day, deep down, I know there are people I get annoyed with, people that I dislike, or even hated. Then I'd scold myself for being mean. I often wondered why I do that. It's like I hate myself or something. And yet, I like it sometimes when people tells me I'm mean. How screwed up can I get?
Then there's the fact that I can't seem to get any further past myself... It's always me first, especially these past couple years. I seem to pay less attention to other people, and I'm definitely forgetting my manners. I hardly say good morning anymore, forgetting people's birthdays left and right... little things like that mean something to me. It's like the perfectionist in me is dying or something. Maybe I've given up on trying to be perfect, and I'm trying to deny it. Anyhow, it's not the way I want it... *sigh* it's going to be a looooooong road...

screw d world

FORGIVE LORD, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

truth is, rite nw, i dun give a damn. i'v sinned heaps my whole life, jst 2 b gud. most important one - love your neighbour.
i treat my family lyk shit.

bt lyk i sed, rite nw, i dun give a damn. dea r jst sum things in dis wrld dat r worth hating sumtyms. free will, stupidity, close-mindedness, nature, gravity... d list goes on. one thing dat rly sticks out in my head, y can't da stupid endangered animals jst get on wif it n save dea own stupid lives. yeah, we'r cutting dwn heaps of bamboo forests, bt it's not our fault da stupid pandas do dea stuff in d 1st place.
another one... free will... rly gotta hate it sumtyms. wrld rly jst can't get along. in fact, evn 2 ppl can't jst get along, b happy, m8 lyk bunnies n live happily eva afta. damn y'all 4 driving ppl insane wen we can all c dat d only fing u rly wanna do is 2 b happy n make each other happy!!

*breathe*

guess i'v had a bit 2 much tym 2 myself. hving nobody 2 tlk 2 does things 2 u. evry1 knws dat.

if nething, at least i can kinda ride a bike nw. took 3 days. well, less than 4 hrs, rly, since i spent at most an hr n a half each day. steering's still a bit out of control, bt at least i can ride strait sumtyms. got bruises all ova.

christmas's drawing near n a shelf in our freezer is broken we still hv 2 find a way 2 cook da turkey. i knw i knw, jst shove it in d oven wif a lil glazing, rite? well, yeah, no1 in da family can cook. hell, ne1 can luk at a recipe, bt wea's da fun in dat? *sigh* wat a weird family. it's not lyk we hv d ingredients 2 b creative. i'd b lucky 2 find vanilla essence around hea.

damn, was such a happy bastard at d start of d yr. wat da hell was i on? i wuld say prob drank 2 much, but it was a bit 2 early 4 dat 2 hv startd... didnt rly get in2 dat phase til lyk midyr. dude, so needed sum pills 4 reality check.

well, had sum paycheck probs left ova frm last tym i was hea, so went bak 2 my old wrk place n got it sortd. didnt c jess, amanda, tim, evan, pam, or ANYBODY dea, so i'm assuming evry1's left (prob shuld'v rly. it's not rly a career) bt it was a nice feeling 2 b bak dea cuz trees r real pretty at dis tym of yr n it reminds me of home... it kinda brought bak sum nice memories too, lyk "coco" n being all chillax cuz it's all customer service stuff n table tennis...

but gotta move on. which is y i prob shuld ditch dis damn thing. god knws wen dat wuld rly happen.