so many stars... but one shines brighter than all

*sigh* I don't know what to do with my time any more. I feel like I've lost my ambition in life.
Though to be quite fair, I didn't really have any ambitions, I give my family that. They do have some reason to look down on me.
But I really don't know what to do. I feel lost. I don't want to feel lost any more. I want to do what I want to do, not having to think about my family ALL the time. I don't know how anee does it. I don't know how my bro does it. Although in my bro's case, I guess he's somewhat luckier.

Just looking up at the skies... I feel more lost than ever. But there's always a star that can lead you home. A pretty, twinkling star, the most beautiful of all. That's where my home is. Until I get there, I'll never be home.

i still hv a month b4 i get bak home. a month. it's both a short tym n a long tym. atm, it seems lyk 4eva. it's def 1 of those moments wea i'm tired of living. dea's nuffin hea 4 me, n nuffin hea i can do 4 ne1. yeah, i'v always bn sumwat insig, but dea r always days worse than others, n these last couple wks hv bn hell.

i rly wish i culd run away.

it's shameful. i'v failed once, n i've failed agen. thing is, most of d tym, i rly culdn't care less, 'specially last year. jst outgrown my fam way 2 fast, n much as i wuld luv 2 study n pass my courses, if not get at least B minuses, i jst can't help but run away frm it all n b a complete brat to my fam... i partied, i wasted my tym n money, i thort of nuffin but myself n my friends. fam was in my mind vry lil. i can't exactly say i regret it, tho i do feel a lil remorse. must say, dat didn't evn happen til da last half of 2nd sem... i'm happy 4 myself i found motivation agen, but sad dat i nw rememba evrything i did n hw i'v spent my tym. it cuts me evry tym my fam tlks about it. if i m such a spoilt brat, y r dey still keepin me in wif all these disappointments n rules? n if dey'r hopin i'll change, y hvn't dey learnt, afta 3 yrs, dat it jst doesn't wrk? i hate all these stupid mind games. we'v playd dem 4 so long...

So much for ditching this thing. 2 days and I'm back again. Whoop-di-doo.

So why am I back here when I want to ditch this thing? 'Cause deep down, I don't want to. It's a really convenient journal... well, I usually write journals when I'm feeling particularly emotional, and there's always a computer/laptop around me.

Reading Jessica made me sad, I guess. It's a bit too sad to read for leisure sometimes. It's like a few steps away from My Girl. It's just I'm too much of a dreamer, romantic, and I wish Jessica got a lot more. Knowing that it was based on a true story makes it even more sad. She loved so passionately and unyieldingly, and even though her mother and sister gave her hell, she did what she thought was best and kept the father's identity a secret... for love... To be quite honest, there are very few people who can really do that.
Much as I like to dream, my view of the world has always remained cynical, judgmental. Yeah, I dream of falling in love, being a good person, being happy, that there's always a good side to everybody... at the end of the day, deep down, I know there are people I get annoyed with, people that I dislike, or even hated. Then I'd scold myself for being mean. I often wondered why I do that. It's like I hate myself or something. And yet, I like it sometimes when people tells me I'm mean. How screwed up can I get?
Then there's the fact that I can't seem to get any further past myself... It's always me first, especially these past couple years. I seem to pay less attention to other people, and I'm definitely forgetting my manners. I hardly say good morning anymore, forgetting people's birthdays left and right... little things like that mean something to me. It's like the perfectionist in me is dying or something. Maybe I've given up on trying to be perfect, and I'm trying to deny it. Anyhow, it's not the way I want it... *sigh* it's going to be a looooooong road...

screw d world

FORGIVE LORD, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

truth is, rite nw, i dun give a damn. i'v sinned heaps my whole life, jst 2 b gud. most important one - love your neighbour.
i treat my family lyk shit.

bt lyk i sed, rite nw, i dun give a damn. dea r jst sum things in dis wrld dat r worth hating sumtyms. free will, stupidity, close-mindedness, nature, gravity... d list goes on. one thing dat rly sticks out in my head, y can't da stupid endangered animals jst get on wif it n save dea own stupid lives. yeah, we'r cutting dwn heaps of bamboo forests, bt it's not our fault da stupid pandas do dea stuff in d 1st place.
another one... free will... rly gotta hate it sumtyms. wrld rly jst can't get along. in fact, evn 2 ppl can't jst get along, b happy, m8 lyk bunnies n live happily eva afta. damn y'all 4 driving ppl insane wen we can all c dat d only fing u rly wanna do is 2 b happy n make each other happy!!

*breathe*

guess i'v had a bit 2 much tym 2 myself. hving nobody 2 tlk 2 does things 2 u. evry1 knws dat.

if nething, at least i can kinda ride a bike nw. took 3 days. well, less than 4 hrs, rly, since i spent at most an hr n a half each day. steering's still a bit out of control, bt at least i can ride strait sumtyms. got bruises all ova.

christmas's drawing near n a shelf in our freezer is broken we still hv 2 find a way 2 cook da turkey. i knw i knw, jst shove it in d oven wif a lil glazing, rite? well, yeah, no1 in da family can cook. hell, ne1 can luk at a recipe, bt wea's da fun in dat? *sigh* wat a weird family. it's not lyk we hv d ingredients 2 b creative. i'd b lucky 2 find vanilla essence around hea.

damn, was such a happy bastard at d start of d yr. wat da hell was i on? i wuld say prob drank 2 much, but it was a bit 2 early 4 dat 2 hv startd... didnt rly get in2 dat phase til lyk midyr. dude, so needed sum pills 4 reality check.

well, had sum paycheck probs left ova frm last tym i was hea, so went bak 2 my old wrk place n got it sortd. didnt c jess, amanda, tim, evan, pam, or ANYBODY dea, so i'm assuming evry1's left (prob shuld'v rly. it's not rly a career) bt it was a nice feeling 2 b bak dea cuz trees r real pretty at dis tym of yr n it reminds me of home... it kinda brought bak sum nice memories too, lyk "coco" n being all chillax cuz it's all customer service stuff n table tennis...

but gotta move on. which is y i prob shuld ditch dis damn thing. god knws wen dat wuld rly happen.

yes, jumping bean's back. at exam/finals time. when *NOONE* evn cums hea nemre.

y?

well, lets jst say i'm procrastinating, k? it's kinda tru, n i dun wanna tell a lie neway.

so... dis whole entire sem...hw's it bn? its bn fun. obviously, i suffer academically, being d idiot dat i am. lets jst say dat i'd b lucky 2 pass considering the studying i'v done the whole sem.

on the other hand, i've talked a lot mre, met n knw a lot mre ppl, which is fun, 'cept, obviously, my goal 2 b d quiet observer agen jst went dwn da drain completely. i suppose it gets me a lil depressed dat da harder i try, da worse it gets. its lyk my lab reports. i get worse mark 4 tryin. its kinda why i don't want 2 study rite nw, i guess. i mean, of course i need 2 knw my basics, but studying anymre in depth than dat i'm usually screwd.

breathe, idiot, breathe...

i think i shuld've done the meditational prayer.

well, dat's my rant 4 now. it probably wuldnt make sense 2 me in a couple wks tym, n i hope it'll b da same 4 evry1 else.

He, bn bak in NZ 4 wks nw, n so much has happened. i mean, cum on, 'course sumthin has 2 hv happened...

so, first wk bak, i went 2 uni almost evry single day. "helped" at da KAC stall, caught up wif ppl as much as i culd. den uni started, n i re-met evry1 frm Mita n Sam n dem, 2 Sophie, 2 Mai. den i found out jst hw much i luved my courses. seriously, i spent da WHOLE wk jst smiling at EVERYTHING cuz i was so happy. dun ask me y, i jst was happy as hell. chem390 was ez breezy cuz a lot of it was lyk chem392. biosci204...got da most ENTHUSIASTIC lecturer...the other lecturers rnt bad either. maths208 is *SO* much ezier than maths250 chem320 is jst interesting, as always. OH OH, I GOT INTO MATHS202! i actually get 2 do tutoring~!!
dat sat was KAC's BBQ intro... jst met a whole lot of ppl... finally met Theodora ^.^ ~!! had an awesum tym playing games n jst meeting ppl... n den dea was KAC's scavenger hunt... it was AWESOME fun~!! in my team was martin, wallace, n anson. so, we did flying crane poses on lil stumps down in viaduct, martin got icecream on his face outside movenpick in mission bay, i got FULLY wet in da fountain there, wallace did a rocokoko swan dive (it luked so kewl) n other random stuff. den went nandos n we all jst got dwn chatting. got sick on sunday tho, bcuz of da combination of too tired, got wet da whole day, n nt enuff water. tuesday was kat's b-day n so tim n winner organised ppl 2 go katsura 4 a "surprise" dinner. in d end da ppl dea were me, mel, logan, andrew, tim, marcus, winner, n sang. kat was lyk da fud disposal person 4 tim, it was kinda funny. sang sed random as stuff (n he wasn't evn drunk!) lyk wen sarena gave kat her prezzie n it was a cow... it was lyk "so...kat + lamb = cow?" den we went kareoke til about 130 in da morning... kat n winner had rly gud voices, evry1 else tried dea best but didnt quite get dea. thursday nite was board game nite, n dat was kewl 2. i got 2 try eatin snow ice wifout ne hands XD
bro came bak a couple tyms. first it was sum person's wedding... den dis wk's easter...
okay, its pretty much jst kac stuff at da top of my head, cuz other than dat it's jst mita n i bein stupid in labs n lectures, n all dat is, is uni, so... okay, during a chem390 lec, i gave mita a paper cookie, n she took a bite n gave it bak 2 me, n da guy bside me luked me weird... i screwed up my last lab... n lost my IR... had loads of spare tym, kept missing lectures x.x maths202 tutorials are REALLY FUN! lyk david, sam, n minal r da funniest gp eva...

So...I'm back...

bt dat doesn't stop me frm posting on my online journal. who knws wen we mite suddenly stumble on2 each other's blog... (lyk dat'll eva happen...as we uni doesn't take up enuff of our tym~!!)

thing is, i'm rly excited abt uni dis yr. i dunno y, jst am. it's nt lyk dis yrs particularly dif in ne way... yeah, sure, i joined KAC, bt lyk joinin a club's gunna change dat much ? mayb it's da freedom... i can pretty much stay at uni as long as i want nw. dea's no1 yellin at me 4 nt goin home 4 dinner, no1 rly checkin on me evry couple hrs or so, tellin me dat im studyin da wrong way... mayb dat's it. n if i pass dis sem, its gunna make da world shine 4 me.

hope...it's one of da world's greatest treasure...